It seemed to be moving week at work. I just got back and had to clear out my desk and take it all to the new area. I took the box over early in the week and then waited until Dan's last day before I moved the rest of it. In the twenty minutes it took to clear out my desk and get it all moved over someone stole the recording equipment. I was all excited about the fact I could finally make use of it when it disappeared. One of these days I'll even tell the original owner that it's gone.
I was also going through all my stuff getting it organized. In it there was an envelope containing my Xacto knife. Looks like I got it back after all. Wonder if they meant to do that. I guess they trust me not to use it... or even be tempted and are hoping it won't be a repeat of the last time. I told my new team leader since she knew why I was off and all she asked me was whether or not I was taking it home. No... I thought I'd hang it up at my desk. Of course it's going home.
But all my stuff is now organized at work so I am settling in and am getting used to being back. So far it has been okay. Time will tell though.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
Finally Back to Work
So after 7 weeks off the journey comes to an end and I am back to work. I wasn't sure what to expect on my return. I knew there would be a lot of questions. People want the latest gossip and the reason for my LOA was kept a secret. A lot of people did just welcome me back which was nice... but other people wanted the real story. I wouldn't say I lied about it... but I wasn't entirely honest either. I wasn't about to go into the whole self-injury aspect. I didn't feel it was any of their business. Pretty soon it will quiet down and go back to normal. I hope any ways. And now that I am back to work I think I can stop updating this page. Unless, of course, something happens at work in the near future.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Back to Work
Well the visit with the psychiatrist was fun. Gotta love misinformation. He was not told that I was off work or that I needed him to clear me. I was not told that their recommendation had been counselling with either the EAP counsellor or the Women's Health Center. Guess they left that part out when prescribing the medication. Too busy giving me Zoloft and Benzo's to mention that. The visit lasted all of 20 minutes. He did not feel I was in crisis and didn't think there was any reason for me not to return to work. Didn't evn have to discuss recent (or well I guess they're not recent ay more) events. But he did give me the note to return to work. So I am good to go. I just have to talk to Karen and get a schedule for next week. But finally some good news. :o)
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
The Fun Never Stops
I'm beginning to wonder if this nightmare is ever going to end. I needed Dr. Caskey to fill out a medical certificate so that I could claim my EI. He was on vacation and then was slow returning it to me so the deadline came and instead of money I have to continue to wait. 6 weeks without a paycheque is a long time... and now I get to wait some more while they review the certificate and make a decision. If they agree with the claim then I'll get the money and if not then I'll have to appeal and wait at least another month. Can't anything go smoothly?
The finances continue to stress me out. Th joys of having bills to pay, and rent and no idea when I will actually have money. I am beginning to wonder which will come in first... EI or my next pay cheque from work.
For anyone that is intersted my appointment with the psychiatrist was canceled. Apparently, there was an emergency and it had to be rescheduled. At least it will still be this week. I am hoping to be back at work next week. We'll see if that holds up.
Still trying to focus on the positves... but the lies, the hassles, and the blacmail have left a bitter taste in my mouth.
The finances continue to stress me out. Th joys of having bills to pay, and rent and no idea when I will actually have money. I am beginning to wonder which will come in first... EI or my next pay cheque from work.
For anyone that is intersted my appointment with the psychiatrist was canceled. Apparently, there was an emergency and it had to be rescheduled. At least it will still be this week. I am hoping to be back at work next week. We'll see if that holds up.
Still trying to focus on the positves... but the lies, the hassles, and the blacmail have left a bitter taste in my mouth.
Friday, February 17, 2006
The Good Doctor
Talk about a screwed up week... I was going through chronotherapy and really changing all my sleep patterns. As that was ending I was back at the doctor to change my medication. Most of the time I just felt off... I did't know if I was coming or going.... That was tough. Glad it's done and over with. I am also happy to be off the Benzodiazapines. I didn't like the effect they had or the fact I couldn't sleep without them.
I am still fighting the good doctor Caskey to get the medical certificate and am running out of time. I drove back to Lakefield today to see if he was in. He wasn't... hadn't been in since Tuesday. At least the nurse there was willing to call him and home and let him know that I needed it done immediately. Looks like I will be heading back out there on Monday to see if he has it so that I can taking it in to EI and hopefully get my money soon.
Monday I also have to call the emergency dentist and get an appointment. See if the tooth is abcessed or what's going on. Looks like Monday will be a busy day. Then on Wednesday I'll be seeing the psychiatrist. Maybe I'll take the percocets before I go in for that visit. Might make the experience more enjoyable. *lol* Okay so stoned is not the best way to go.
I am still fighting the good doctor Caskey to get the medical certificate and am running out of time. I drove back to Lakefield today to see if he was in. He wasn't... hadn't been in since Tuesday. At least the nurse there was willing to call him and home and let him know that I needed it done immediately. Looks like I will be heading back out there on Monday to see if he has it so that I can taking it in to EI and hopefully get my money soon.
Monday I also have to call the emergency dentist and get an appointment. See if the tooth is abcessed or what's going on. Looks like Monday will be a busy day. Then on Wednesday I'll be seeing the psychiatrist. Maybe I'll take the percocets before I go in for that visit. Might make the experience more enjoyable. *lol* Okay so stoned is not the best way to go.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Health
Performance issues at work and handing over a knife are the two events that started this leave of absence. For the first three weeks there was a great deal of anger and frustration over what happened and how it has been dealt with. After a month I was still in the same spot I was in when I left. I was exhausted and had no energy at all. The second month has been focused on my health and getting that back. I haven't been healthy in a very long time but have been spending more time working on that and am starting to notice the results.
The first positive step was actually finding a family doctor. Even if it means travelling out of town for medical care it was still what I needed. Nothing wrong with a road trip any ways. And now he is referring me to a rheumatologist for treatment. So that wil be taken care of. Been 4 years since anyone was treating the fibromyalgia and there is hope on the horizon.
The second positive step came when I saw the chiropractor last week. I was in rough shape. I was sleeping 12 hours a day and did not feel rested. I had to take the Benzodiazapines just to sleep and the energy level just wasn't there. She reminded me that I really needed iron so I talked to a pharmacist and increased my iron intake. The results were pretty quick. It didn't take long before I saw the effects. I had more energy and my mind didn't feel clouded. I was starting to see the old me return.
The last positve step has been the chronotherapy. Since I was a teenager I have had phase delayed sleep disorder. For the first time ever I am trying to do something to combat that. I'm not sure what the final results will be but it is another step in getting myself healthy and able to work at 100%.
Now I just need to be cleared to go back to work. Hopefully that will happen next week. It's been a long couple of months but things are definitely starting to work in my favour. Once my health is at 100% then I just need to work on ym self-confidence and not doubting myself. But one step at a time.
The first positive step was actually finding a family doctor. Even if it means travelling out of town for medical care it was still what I needed. Nothing wrong with a road trip any ways. And now he is referring me to a rheumatologist for treatment. So that wil be taken care of. Been 4 years since anyone was treating the fibromyalgia and there is hope on the horizon.
The second positive step came when I saw the chiropractor last week. I was in rough shape. I was sleeping 12 hours a day and did not feel rested. I had to take the Benzodiazapines just to sleep and the energy level just wasn't there. She reminded me that I really needed iron so I talked to a pharmacist and increased my iron intake. The results were pretty quick. It didn't take long before I saw the effects. I had more energy and my mind didn't feel clouded. I was starting to see the old me return.
The last positve step has been the chronotherapy. Since I was a teenager I have had phase delayed sleep disorder. For the first time ever I am trying to do something to combat that. I'm not sure what the final results will be but it is another step in getting myself healthy and able to work at 100%.
Now I just need to be cleared to go back to work. Hopefully that will happen next week. It's been a long couple of months but things are definitely starting to work in my favour. Once my health is at 100% then I just need to work on ym self-confidence and not doubting myself. But one step at a time.
Boredom
It's really tough to find things to keep you busy at 5:30 in the morning. I must admit that chronotherapy is really tough on the body on the body and the mind. I definitely haven't been really productie over the last couple of days. Fatigue is playing a factor. It's not the same as it was before where my mind was just exhausted. I think it's just a war with my body right now. For me it is definitely not natural to be awake at this time and my whole schedule has been thrown off. It's weird when your whole focus is on being awake for the 19 hours before you go to bed. It's not that I am lacking energy to do anything like it has been in the past. The iron is definitely making a difference. The hard part just seems to be the timing factor. At 7:00 a.m. I'll be having lunch. That just seems really odd to me. But I only have 2 more days to get through. Today should be a little easier since I have the doctor's appointment tonight. Driving to Pickering for it and then coming back will get me through the end of the night. The last three hours are by far the hardest. All you want to do is go to bed and get some sleep but you have to push past it. You focus on the goal and move forwards. Yesterday was incredibly tough. I just wanted to go to bed and really had to force myself to stay awake. But correcting my sleep patterns is what it's all about. This might be one of the only chances I have to try and put my circadian rhythms back to what is considered "normal." And as tough as it is I just have to make it through 2 more days like this. Step 1 in getting my health back to where I want it to be.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Energy Level
Some days you overlook the simple answer... been fighting this fatigue for a very long time now. I was at the chiropractor's the other day and she thought the medication might be blocking the absorption of iron. So I was off to Shoppers and was speaking with the pharmacist there. She recommended an iron supplement (ferrous sulphate) that has 60 mg of elemental iron. Recommended one a day and then increasing that to 3 a day. I had already been taking a lower dose of iron so I figured I'd just increase the dose. All I can say is wow... did that ever make a difference in energy level. I was working on Adam's computer... or well Steve was working on Adam's computer and the next thing I know is that it's 1:30 a.m. and I'm not even tired. I was working on reimporting all my CDs... even started reading "A Bright Red Scream" again. Went to bed at noon today. No medication needed... got some ZZZs... am currently working on chronotherapy to see if I can get my circadian rhythms back to where they should be. Been up for 9 hours and while I haven't been doing all that much I still notice a big difference in energy levels. If it wasn't 4:40 a.m. I'd actually go for a walk or something. Plus it's cold out there. So I am just going to finish work on my computer... grab a shower... watch some TV... and will be passing out at around 3 p.m. today. But until Tuesday I hadn't even thought that this might be caused by my anemia. I guess time will tell on that one. For now... at least I feel better and have more energy.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Overmedicated
I went to the chiropractor's again yesterday. She seemed a little concerned about the fact I was sleeping for 12 hours a day. I can't imagine why that would be a concern. She also felt that the medication was affecting muscle tone. She said that my left side has never been so bad. Charlene was wondering if the medication was blocking the intake of iron and making the anemia worse. She's hoping that when I go back to the doctor's on Monday he will do some blood work or make some recommendations at least. Until then I am taking more iron to see if it helps with the level of fatigue.
I'm really starting to rethink the whole use of medication. I can't sleep unless I take the medication and it's still not restful sleep. Benzodiazapines are controlled substances and you are not supposed to take them every night. Nothing like having the doctor give me a new addiction... helping or hindering me... I'll let you decide your opinion on that one.
I'm really starting to rethink the whole use of medication. I can't sleep unless I take the medication and it's still not restful sleep. Benzodiazapines are controlled substances and you are not supposed to take them every night. Nothing like having the doctor give me a new addiction... helping or hindering me... I'll let you decide your opinion on that one.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Medical Records
I contacted the UWO yesterday about getting my medical records sent to the doctor. They told me all I needed to do was fax in a request with my student number and exactly what information was required and who it was to be sent to. As long as it was documented and signed then it would not be a problem to get it to the doctor. So some more good news in my world. They also didn't mention any type of fees... possibly because I wasn't requesting a personal copy but was requesting my medical records be released to the family physician. Now I just need to make the follow-up appointment so I can get my treatment changed and start to get better. Then I'll be able to return to work and might actually be 100%.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
First Do No Harm
It is a widely held belief that the statement "First, do no harm" comes from the Hippocratic oath. It actually doesn't. But... in Hippocrates writing he does say "The physician must be able to tell the antecedents, know the present, and foretell the future - must mediate these things, and have two special objects in view with regard to disease, namely, to do good or to do no harm. The art consists in three things - the disease, the patient, and the physician. The physician is the servant of the art, and the patient must combat the disease along with the physician."
So why am I bringing up Hippocrates? Well there is the fact that doctors killing patients is generally not good practice. *lol* I'm still thinking back to the treatment I have received over the last month. The first doctor I saw didn't believe fibromyalgia was real and rather then doing any blood work or tests referred me to a psychiatrist believing I was just depressed. Off to the hospital I went. Spent about a half hour with the nurse and saw the psychiatrist long enough to write a prescription for Zoloft. The Zoloft put my physical health and mental health at risk. So much for "do no harm." The second time I was at the hospital to see a psychiatrist they changed the medication to a benzodiazepine. Once again I saw the psychiatrist basically long enough to write a prescription. But benzo's tend to be highly addictive and only good for short term treatment of insomnia. Since this is a chronic condition not the ideal medication. Now I can't sleep without it. I know you are not supposed to take it continuously but every time I don't take it I end up not being able to sleep at all... I toss and turn all night. When I wake up I am restless and exhausted. When I was at the doctor's yesterday he indicated that this is prety normal. Back to "do no harm." Is it a wise idea to prescribe an addicitve medication when you have spent 5 minutes with the patient? There are other medications that are less addictive and used for treating insomnia... or they could've used a mild anti-depressant. I feel worse then I did when I started the LOA. The good news is that my new doctor will be changing the medication when I go back. The reason for not changing the medication already is that he wants the medical report from London so that he can be sure that Trazodone is the right course of actual. Finally, a doctor that is following Hippocrates advice.
I'm like many people... I took health care for granted. I had a family doctor when I was younger and then went to Western for university. I had great medical care during my 4 years there. The doctors were always willing to investigate the physical complaints and refer me when necessary. I knew nothing of the physician shortage until I moved to Peterborough. Then it became hard to get treatment since the only options were the walk-in clinic and the ER. I still remember when I had the flu. I lost 20% of my body weight and ended up at the ER twice. The second time I was hoping to be admitted since I was down to 70 pounds. Their recommendation was to eat fatty foods, especially from McDonalds. Took me 4 months to recover and I lost the semester at school.
Socrates once said "Know thyself." When it comes to the medical profession I think that should be extended to "Know your patient." Anyone with a family physician consider yourself extremely fortunate, especially if they are close to home. Right now, in Peterborough, approximately 20,000 people are without a family doctor. That's about 1/4 of the population. I know it's impossible for the doctor to really know the patient and their history when they're not the family physician. But I would compare it to russian roulette healthcare. As the patient, you never know what you're going to get. You could get a doctor that really wants to look into it for you... or you could get the wrong diagnosis... wrong treatment.... Take the last month for example. A month later I am still extremely fatigued, low on energy, and need Benzo's to get some ZZZs. Not a good place to be... Then again, I'm not even sure what the psychiatrist is treating me for... do they think it's depression? Do they think it's just insomnia? No one has really told me anything... aside from the new family doctor any ways.
Now back to Hippocrates... "to do good or to do no harm."
So why am I bringing up Hippocrates? Well there is the fact that doctors killing patients is generally not good practice. *lol* I'm still thinking back to the treatment I have received over the last month. The first doctor I saw didn't believe fibromyalgia was real and rather then doing any blood work or tests referred me to a psychiatrist believing I was just depressed. Off to the hospital I went. Spent about a half hour with the nurse and saw the psychiatrist long enough to write a prescription for Zoloft. The Zoloft put my physical health and mental health at risk. So much for "do no harm." The second time I was at the hospital to see a psychiatrist they changed the medication to a benzodiazepine. Once again I saw the psychiatrist basically long enough to write a prescription. But benzo's tend to be highly addictive and only good for short term treatment of insomnia. Since this is a chronic condition not the ideal medication. Now I can't sleep without it. I know you are not supposed to take it continuously but every time I don't take it I end up not being able to sleep at all... I toss and turn all night. When I wake up I am restless and exhausted. When I was at the doctor's yesterday he indicated that this is prety normal. Back to "do no harm." Is it a wise idea to prescribe an addicitve medication when you have spent 5 minutes with the patient? There are other medications that are less addictive and used for treating insomnia... or they could've used a mild anti-depressant. I feel worse then I did when I started the LOA. The good news is that my new doctor will be changing the medication when I go back. The reason for not changing the medication already is that he wants the medical report from London so that he can be sure that Trazodone is the right course of actual. Finally, a doctor that is following Hippocrates advice.
I'm like many people... I took health care for granted. I had a family doctor when I was younger and then went to Western for university. I had great medical care during my 4 years there. The doctors were always willing to investigate the physical complaints and refer me when necessary. I knew nothing of the physician shortage until I moved to Peterborough. Then it became hard to get treatment since the only options were the walk-in clinic and the ER. I still remember when I had the flu. I lost 20% of my body weight and ended up at the ER twice. The second time I was hoping to be admitted since I was down to 70 pounds. Their recommendation was to eat fatty foods, especially from McDonalds. Took me 4 months to recover and I lost the semester at school.
Socrates once said "Know thyself." When it comes to the medical profession I think that should be extended to "Know your patient." Anyone with a family physician consider yourself extremely fortunate, especially if they are close to home. Right now, in Peterborough, approximately 20,000 people are without a family doctor. That's about 1/4 of the population. I know it's impossible for the doctor to really know the patient and their history when they're not the family physician. But I would compare it to russian roulette healthcare. As the patient, you never know what you're going to get. You could get a doctor that really wants to look into it for you... or you could get the wrong diagnosis... wrong treatment.... Take the last month for example. A month later I am still extremely fatigued, low on energy, and need Benzo's to get some ZZZs. Not a good place to be... Then again, I'm not even sure what the psychiatrist is treating me for... do they think it's depression? Do they think it's just insomnia? No one has really told me anything... aside from the new family doctor any ways.
Now back to Hippocrates... "to do good or to do no harm."
Step in the Right Direction
Ever since I started on the leave of absence I just wanted to return to work. Yesterday, I realized that I am in no condition to return to work. I started thinking about just how exhausted I am. I kept being told not to use being tired as an excuse. Unfortunately, it was the truth. Think about how you feel when you don't get much sleep... how irritable you are. Then think about that lasting for an extended period of time. This has been going on for over a year now. If I went back now I would be in the same position as when I left. That isn't beneficial to anyone.
Today I was thinking about how different things would be if I had received appropriate medical treatment from the beginning. It's been a month now and there is no change. But if they had started with the Fibromyalgia and the fatigue then I'd be in better shape now and might even be ready to return to work. Better yet... not said that Fibromyalgia is a symptom of a psychiatric disorder and then turned me away. As a result I will be off work for an extended period of time and a month later I am still right where I started.
On the way to the doctor today we were looking for a sound card. After a couple of stores and no luck we ended up at the first place I had thought of on the way, Best Byte in Whitby. Picked up the sound card and just have to install it now. The Gateway computer is gradually becoming anything but. Okay not quite... but the DVD-ROM will be removed for the I/O port on the card. Hopefully soon I will also be adding in the 2 serial drives. On the way home tonight we also picked up another keyboard and mouse (not that I really needed another set since we seem to have a collection) but it came with a free copy of Quick Tax and cost less then buying the software. Good deal in my world.
But now for the important part... the doctor's appointment. As of right now I have a family doctor again. Okay, so driving to Pickering is a bit of a pain, especially since I don't drive. But it's a start. So, what did the doctor say? I'll start with what he didn't say. He did not say that Fibromyalgia is in my head. Finally, I didn't feel marginalized. Now, since it was a first visit it was more of a meet and greet. But he admitted that he wouldn't treat fibromyalgia. Now that statement makes it seem pretty hopeless. In reality it gave me a lot of hope. The reason he said he wouldn't treat it is because he doesn't know enough about it to treat it properly. So rather then play russian roulette healthcare he is going to refer me to a rheumatologist for treatment. So that was great news. He wants me to contact UWO about getting my medical records so that the bloodwork will not need to be redone. The only information he wants is the notes made by the rheumatologist the first time around. That way treatment can be effective. Gives me something to do tomorrow. Once the records are sent to him it will be time to come back in for a follow-up appointment. At that point he also wants to switch up the medication. He did not agree with me being put on Oxazapam but did not want to change medications until he saw the medical records to see if there was a legitimate reason for a benzodiazapine. Assuming there is nothing in the records he wants me on Trazodone. Apparantly, it's not so good as an anti-depressant but seems to work well for restoring stage 4 sleep. It also seems to work for the pain as well. Overall, it was a good thing.
Tomorrow I will be calling my alma matter about my medical records. I'm not sure what that will cost me but I need it for treatment. Hopefully, it only takes a couple of weeks to get the records to the doctor. Then I'll be back in and eventually off to see a rheumatologist.
As far as work goes... for now I am leaving that side of things to Dr. Caskey. That may sound odd to anyone reading this. At the moment I am not ready to go back to work and since Dr. Caskey was the initial physician he is the one I need to write the medical certificate indicating when I was off work and why. The hard part is that Dr. Caskey is on vacation and can't sign the certificate so it may be 6 weeks before I have any money from EI. The alternative is going to spend some more time in the ER to see the psychiatrist again. Without knowing the complete story I didn't want to put Dr. McLean in the position of determining my fitness to return to work. My goal in going there was to get the treatment for the Fibromyalgia. Well that and getting a family doctor. It was a gamble either way. I figured my better call was to begin the process of being treated for the Fibromyalgia and let the psychaitrist be the one to clear me to return to work. Hopefully by the time I see the psychiatrist I will have already begun treatment with the trazodone. Time will tell how this plays out. The important thing is that I will be treated for the fibromyalgia. :o)
Today I was thinking about how different things would be if I had received appropriate medical treatment from the beginning. It's been a month now and there is no change. But if they had started with the Fibromyalgia and the fatigue then I'd be in better shape now and might even be ready to return to work. Better yet... not said that Fibromyalgia is a symptom of a psychiatric disorder and then turned me away. As a result I will be off work for an extended period of time and a month later I am still right where I started.
On the way to the doctor today we were looking for a sound card. After a couple of stores and no luck we ended up at the first place I had thought of on the way, Best Byte in Whitby. Picked up the sound card and just have to install it now. The Gateway computer is gradually becoming anything but. Okay not quite... but the DVD-ROM will be removed for the I/O port on the card. Hopefully soon I will also be adding in the 2 serial drives. On the way home tonight we also picked up another keyboard and mouse (not that I really needed another set since we seem to have a collection) but it came with a free copy of Quick Tax and cost less then buying the software. Good deal in my world.
But now for the important part... the doctor's appointment. As of right now I have a family doctor again. Okay, so driving to Pickering is a bit of a pain, especially since I don't drive. But it's a start. So, what did the doctor say? I'll start with what he didn't say. He did not say that Fibromyalgia is in my head. Finally, I didn't feel marginalized. Now, since it was a first visit it was more of a meet and greet. But he admitted that he wouldn't treat fibromyalgia. Now that statement makes it seem pretty hopeless. In reality it gave me a lot of hope. The reason he said he wouldn't treat it is because he doesn't know enough about it to treat it properly. So rather then play russian roulette healthcare he is going to refer me to a rheumatologist for treatment. So that was great news. He wants me to contact UWO about getting my medical records so that the bloodwork will not need to be redone. The only information he wants is the notes made by the rheumatologist the first time around. That way treatment can be effective. Gives me something to do tomorrow. Once the records are sent to him it will be time to come back in for a follow-up appointment. At that point he also wants to switch up the medication. He did not agree with me being put on Oxazapam but did not want to change medications until he saw the medical records to see if there was a legitimate reason for a benzodiazapine. Assuming there is nothing in the records he wants me on Trazodone. Apparantly, it's not so good as an anti-depressant but seems to work well for restoring stage 4 sleep. It also seems to work for the pain as well. Overall, it was a good thing.
Tomorrow I will be calling my alma matter about my medical records. I'm not sure what that will cost me but I need it for treatment. Hopefully, it only takes a couple of weeks to get the records to the doctor. Then I'll be back in and eventually off to see a rheumatologist.
As far as work goes... for now I am leaving that side of things to Dr. Caskey. That may sound odd to anyone reading this. At the moment I am not ready to go back to work and since Dr. Caskey was the initial physician he is the one I need to write the medical certificate indicating when I was off work and why. The hard part is that Dr. Caskey is on vacation and can't sign the certificate so it may be 6 weeks before I have any money from EI. The alternative is going to spend some more time in the ER to see the psychiatrist again. Without knowing the complete story I didn't want to put Dr. McLean in the position of determining my fitness to return to work. My goal in going there was to get the treatment for the Fibromyalgia. Well that and getting a family doctor. It was a gamble either way. I figured my better call was to begin the process of being treated for the Fibromyalgia and let the psychaitrist be the one to clear me to return to work. Hopefully by the time I see the psychiatrist I will have already begun treatment with the trazodone. Time will tell how this plays out. The important thing is that I will be treated for the fibromyalgia. :o)
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Off to Pickering Tomorrow
So tomorrow I am off to Pickering. Enlisting a new family physician, a little far from home. But you gotta do what you gotta do. You could say work has forced me to do something good. They have forced me to get treatment for the fatigue and to look into possible underlying causes. I had also used not having a doctor as an excuse not to get treatment. The fatigue has gone on long enough. It's affecting all aspects of life. Plus the doctor can access my medical records from Cobourg and from London so they are consolidated and I can prove that I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Also, the doctor can refer me to a specialist if he believes it is important for my treatment. Lastly, he has the power to clear me to return to work... or if he is looking into treatment for the fatigue an estimated time frame as to when I will be well enough to return to work. So this is a good thing.
If nothing else it also gets me out of the city, something I haven't done in quite a while. I think the last time I left Peterborough was back in the summer. It's about time for a change of scenery. Going to go shopping for computer parts while I am out. The new video system needs a digital sound card. Okay so it is just so I can play it through my Logitech speakers. What can I say... I love my speakers.
If nothing else it also gets me out of the city, something I haven't done in quite a while. I think the last time I left Peterborough was back in the summer. It's about time for a change of scenery. Going to go shopping for computer parts while I am out. The new video system needs a digital sound card. Okay so it is just so I can play it through my Logitech speakers. What can I say... I love my speakers.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Paranoia
Adding a stats checker to my blog might have been a bad idea. Steve has really been trying to make me paranoid over who is checking my sites and why. He seems to believe there is a conspiracy at work and they are checking up on me and trying to find out what I am saying. Even had me looking up IP addresses to see if there was any truth to it. That's bit overboard. Yes I took off all the posts from my main page about the LOA so that certain people didn't have access to it. But I don't feel I have anything to hide. They didn't tell me to keep it a secret. The web site is there primarily so my family and friends can find out exactly what is going on... saves me from calling them with the latest updates. It's not like I was badmouthing the company on that site. My frustration has largely been from the medical community and not with work. I may not agree with the LOA but the real frustration comes from the first doctor I saw and then it's continued from there. Steve is definitely not helping me relax during my time off which is what I need to do. Rest and relaxation... that's what I need most at the moment.
Withdrawal Symptoms
I'm thinking that taking the Benzodiazapines for 5 straight days wasn't the best idea. I just wanted to get some rest. I still felt groggy in the morning which could be from the long standing sleep deprivation. It could also be the effects of the medication... or even a cumulative effects since I kept taking it. The first night I didn't take it I wasn't tired at all and then when I forced myself to go to bed at 5:00 a.m. I couldn't sleep. I was awake off and on all night and didn't want to get out of bed. The second night was much of the same. What will the third night bring... only time will tell.
Call from HR
I got a phone call today from work in response to an email I had sent. I need a medical certificate in order to claim EI during my time off. It was an interesting call for a number of reasons. It's amazing what you pick up on in the words someone chooses to use.
I got to find out the good Dr. Caskey is on vacation until February 13th. He becomes more and more useful each time I hear his name. Work basically gave me three options. I can wait for him to come back but that's going to be a while. I can try to get someone else to fill out the medical certificate. That is a challenge as well since I don't have a family doctor and have been seen by the ER and the walk-in clinic. The last alternative is getting someone to clear me to go back to work. And so far the doctors have been reluctant to do so.
They also told me that they had made the decision to keep me off work until the follow-up visit. Looks like the blame doesn't just fall on Dr. Caskey any more... work took his recommendations and decided to keep me off work. So the blame for that falls on the occupational health and safety nurse, HR, Dr. Caskey and more then likely my team leader.
I also got to find out that the only people that should know the reason for the LOA are the members of HR, my team leader, my team manager and the site director. I can gurantee that more people know.... since Stan inadvertantly made a comment to Steve before he even said anything. He has also indicated that all of management knows, including the team leaders.
I know that more people know about it. Reportedly some of the agents on my team had asked Chris about my blog and according to HR that might be where the information came from. There are a total of 5 people from work that know about the blog. One of them I actually forgot had the address or I might have monitored what I said. Val woudn't say anything. Chris can't say anything. Steve has never even been to the site and he knows my opinion any ways since he is my roommate. Dawn knew about it from the start. That leaves Baker... who, while he might ask Chris, wouldn't start rumours.
Rumours aside that wouldn't explain why a TL is asking Steve about me in the smoking area. None of my agents would have a reason to go to her about it and sure there will always be rumours. That doesn't mean I like having people talk about me. Since they seem to think some of the information comes from my blog I have deleted all of the posts related to it and reposted them here. No one from work has this address or will have it.
I got to find out the good Dr. Caskey is on vacation until February 13th. He becomes more and more useful each time I hear his name. Work basically gave me three options. I can wait for him to come back but that's going to be a while. I can try to get someone else to fill out the medical certificate. That is a challenge as well since I don't have a family doctor and have been seen by the ER and the walk-in clinic. The last alternative is getting someone to clear me to go back to work. And so far the doctors have been reluctant to do so.
They also told me that they had made the decision to keep me off work until the follow-up visit. Looks like the blame doesn't just fall on Dr. Caskey any more... work took his recommendations and decided to keep me off work. So the blame for that falls on the occupational health and safety nurse, HR, Dr. Caskey and more then likely my team leader.
I also got to find out that the only people that should know the reason for the LOA are the members of HR, my team leader, my team manager and the site director. I can gurantee that more people know.... since Stan inadvertantly made a comment to Steve before he even said anything. He has also indicated that all of management knows, including the team leaders.
I know that more people know about it. Reportedly some of the agents on my team had asked Chris about my blog and according to HR that might be where the information came from. There are a total of 5 people from work that know about the blog. One of them I actually forgot had the address or I might have monitored what I said. Val woudn't say anything. Chris can't say anything. Steve has never even been to the site and he knows my opinion any ways since he is my roommate. Dawn knew about it from the start. That leaves Baker... who, while he might ask Chris, wouldn't start rumours.
Rumours aside that wouldn't explain why a TL is asking Steve about me in the smoking area. None of my agents would have a reason to go to her about it and sure there will always be rumours. That doesn't mean I like having people talk about me. Since they seem to think some of the information comes from my blog I have deleted all of the posts related to it and reposted them here. No one from work has this address or will have it.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Back to the ER
I'm starting to think the ER is becoming my second home. Work finally told me that I would not be allowed to return to work until the follow-up visit with the psychiatrist. That is assuming that he clears me to go back. I was concerned that since I had gone off the medication he might hold me back from returning. Plus no one was telling me when that appointment even was. So back to the ER I went. It wasn't how I wanted to spend my day but I didn't want to take any chances.
From the start I've said that all I needed was sleep. I took some Lorazapam that I had left over from an old prescription. Slept like a baby. I was finally alert and had more energy. The good news is that the finally listened. By the end of my 4 hours at the ER I had a prescription for a Benzodiazepine (think Valium if you're not familiar with the drug category). They may not help you fall asleep but they do knock you out. Sleep... glorious sleep. I am a little surprised that they didn't go with Ambien, Lunesta, or one of the other newer drug classes since they supposedly less likely to be habit forming.
The weird part though is that I went from being on an anti-depressant to a depressant. So now the only thing being treated is the lack of sleep. But they will not allow me to return to work. Maybe that's because each time I see the psychiatrist for under 5 minutes. This time around he did ask a few more questions. He didn't just write the prescription and then leave again. But he said he wasn't in a position to clear me for work. WTF? When I was forced to take time off work it was because they were concerned I might be a threat to myself or someone else. No one since then has indicated I am a potential threat. It all seems to surround my performance at work and whether or not that would improve.
Here's the problem... my appointment with the psychiatrist isn't until February 22. Azrael loves havingme home so I do get to spend plenty of time with him. And he does well for therapy. It also means that I can do some work with Chaord Studios... like more DVD projects... and some web site design. So there are some benefits. The biggest downside is the financial side of things. The first two weeks I am off I don't get paid for and work didn't even pay me my sick days. Then I need a medical certificate so that I can get EI for the remainder. I don't even have contact info for the doctor I saw. Even then I'll only make 55% of my wages.... so in total it's going to cost me about $2000 to be off work. And it takes 6-8 weeks for the money to get here. Needless to say that's going to leave me short. For now I am okay... but that's only going to last for so long. To think, I was actually planning on buying this laptop. I was about halfway there. Now, on the other hand, I'll be struggling to make sure all the bills are paid. *Sigh*
Well on the bright side it means that I still have 5 sick days to use and my vacation days... so plenty of time off this year. And I am doing okay, relativey speaking. I just wish they would allow me to go back to work. Or at least that I'd have money... Even better a vacation to a warm, tropical island. Now that would be therapy.
From the start I've said that all I needed was sleep. I took some Lorazapam that I had left over from an old prescription. Slept like a baby. I was finally alert and had more energy. The good news is that the finally listened. By the end of my 4 hours at the ER I had a prescription for a Benzodiazepine (think Valium if you're not familiar with the drug category). They may not help you fall asleep but they do knock you out. Sleep... glorious sleep. I am a little surprised that they didn't go with Ambien, Lunesta, or one of the other newer drug classes since they supposedly less likely to be habit forming.
The weird part though is that I went from being on an anti-depressant to a depressant. So now the only thing being treated is the lack of sleep. But they will not allow me to return to work. Maybe that's because each time I see the psychiatrist for under 5 minutes. This time around he did ask a few more questions. He didn't just write the prescription and then leave again. But he said he wasn't in a position to clear me for work. WTF? When I was forced to take time off work it was because they were concerned I might be a threat to myself or someone else. No one since then has indicated I am a potential threat. It all seems to surround my performance at work and whether or not that would improve.
Here's the problem... my appointment with the psychiatrist isn't until February 22. Azrael loves havingme home so I do get to spend plenty of time with him. And he does well for therapy. It also means that I can do some work with Chaord Studios... like more DVD projects... and some web site design. So there are some benefits. The biggest downside is the financial side of things. The first two weeks I am off I don't get paid for and work didn't even pay me my sick days. Then I need a medical certificate so that I can get EI for the remainder. I don't even have contact info for the doctor I saw. Even then I'll only make 55% of my wages.... so in total it's going to cost me about $2000 to be off work. And it takes 6-8 weeks for the money to get here. Needless to say that's going to leave me short. For now I am okay... but that's only going to last for so long. To think, I was actually planning on buying this laptop. I was about halfway there. Now, on the other hand, I'll be struggling to make sure all the bills are paid. *Sigh*
Well on the bright side it means that I still have 5 sick days to use and my vacation days... so plenty of time off this year. And I am doing okay, relativey speaking. I just wish they would allow me to go back to work. Or at least that I'd have money... Even better a vacation to a warm, tropical island. Now that would be therapy.
Financial Woes
Good thing my incentive was really good last month... Looks like I am really going to need the money. I was not paid at all for my first week off, not even my sick days. So now I have to fight with EI for 60% of my wages for the entire time I am off. The good news is that it means I still have my sick days to use but it really sucks for money since I am going to be off for an extended period of time. At the moment it looks like I'll be off work until the follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist. That won't be until the beginning of February... assuming that the appointment was made. I never heard back about it. Maybe I should wander back down to the ER for another appointment and get the medication changed while I'm at it. Zoloft isn't used to help you sleep... so I am still battling exhaustion even though I do get to sleep in every day. Is this nightmare ever going to end?
Added Stress
All I want to do is try and relax and make the best of my time off. It's hard because I want to be at work but I am also trying to see it as a mini-vacation and just relax. Every time Steve comes home he adds in his 2 cents and just adds stress to my world, something I really don't need.
The first issue is finances. Right now I don't know where I stand. I am assuming that I will need to apply for short term disability and it will take 6-8 weeks to receive the money. Steve keeps pressuring me to pick up the forms. I am trying to stay away from work so that I don't have to answer any questions and make it worse for other people. I also want to know when I'll be returning to work before I take any action. I don't want to add stress over the finances. Right now I do have money and while I realize that I need to look into it I want to hold off until I know what my status is at work. Plus Steve keeps reminding me how broke he is which adds stress to me since there are still a lot of unknowns.
The other issue is the doctor not contacting work to clear me. He wants me to press the situation by contacting the disability worker for Minacs and the doctor. Since he has not cleared me to go back I don't want to make things worse for myself. I know that Margaret has been in contact with the office and has been trying to get word from the doctor so for the most part it is just a waiting game. But Steve wants to try and get the doctor's information from work, which is the worst thing he can do. I don't need more heat at work and give them more ammunition to fire me. Steve is becoming too vocal and it's going to come back on me. It's bad enough that he wants to drop off all the information on Fibromyalgia and self-injury to his home office and he wants to make a scene in the process. He doesn't seem to grasp the concept of "Think before you act." Is it going to benefit me to start fighting with the doctor and with work to allow me to return? In my mind it would just make me look worse. It's not my job to step in and fight with both sides. It's just going to lead to more frustration. When they clear me to return to work I'll be back.
Just let me enjoy my time off and make the most of it. I don't need any added stress. It's supposed to be about relaxing and getting better so that I can do my job when I return. The more stress I am under in the meantime the more difficult that is going to be. Not to say I am fragile and can't deal with anything... but I don't need any unecessary stress. For now, time to watch some TV and just rest... mindless entertainment.
The first issue is finances. Right now I don't know where I stand. I am assuming that I will need to apply for short term disability and it will take 6-8 weeks to receive the money. Steve keeps pressuring me to pick up the forms. I am trying to stay away from work so that I don't have to answer any questions and make it worse for other people. I also want to know when I'll be returning to work before I take any action. I don't want to add stress over the finances. Right now I do have money and while I realize that I need to look into it I want to hold off until I know what my status is at work. Plus Steve keeps reminding me how broke he is which adds stress to me since there are still a lot of unknowns.
The other issue is the doctor not contacting work to clear me. He wants me to press the situation by contacting the disability worker for Minacs and the doctor. Since he has not cleared me to go back I don't want to make things worse for myself. I know that Margaret has been in contact with the office and has been trying to get word from the doctor so for the most part it is just a waiting game. But Steve wants to try and get the doctor's information from work, which is the worst thing he can do. I don't need more heat at work and give them more ammunition to fire me. Steve is becoming too vocal and it's going to come back on me. It's bad enough that he wants to drop off all the information on Fibromyalgia and self-injury to his home office and he wants to make a scene in the process. He doesn't seem to grasp the concept of "Think before you act." Is it going to benefit me to start fighting with the doctor and with work to allow me to return? In my mind it would just make me look worse. It's not my job to step in and fight with both sides. It's just going to lead to more frustration. When they clear me to return to work I'll be back.
Just let me enjoy my time off and make the most of it. I don't need any added stress. It's supposed to be about relaxing and getting better so that I can do my job when I return. The more stress I am under in the meantime the more difficult that is going to be. Not to say I am fragile and can't deal with anything... but I don't need any unecessary stress. For now, time to watch some TV and just rest... mindless entertainment.
Frustration and a Lack of Answers
Frustration is beginning to set in. I'm still off work and am not sure just how long that is going to last. But I also learned I am in the wrong town if I want the Fibromyalgia to be treated properly. I was speaking with a doctor today who told me that no rheumatologist in town will treat it. If I want something done I'd have to go to Toronto for it... and even then I need a doctor's referral... something I don't have since I don't have a family doctor. For the first time in a long time I am wishing I was back in London where they have good treatment programs for it. So, if and when I do return to work I'll still be facing the same battle... fighting an invisible disease that people do not take seriously. The doctor I was speaking with did send me to a neurologist for a sleep study to look at the insomnia and see what can be done about that. So that was some good news. But overall just more frustration.
Fighting Back
Three days after my rapid loss I am still fighting back. I'm definitely eating more but still not as much asI should be. Still really low on energy. But I am on the comeback trail. My health is now out of jeopardy so that's the important thing.
Still no word as to when I will be returning to work. The doctor has not been in contact with the disability worker. I'm not sure what the hold-up there is. Looks like I'll be relaxing for at least a couple more days. I'm also going to try and see the chiropractor during that time.
Still no word as to when I will be returning to work. The doctor has not been in contact with the disability worker. I'm not sure what the hold-up there is. Looks like I'll be relaxing for at least a couple more days. I'm also going to try and see the chiropractor during that time.
Know Your Patient
I was watching a special the other day on chronic pain and one of the first things the doctor said was that it is important to know your patient. He gave an example of a woman that had been suffering from migraines for years. She was doing relief work in Africa and got to know a doctor there. He asked her all kinds of questions about her past, like where she grew up. Eventually it came to light that she had been in a car accident and the migraines were caused by untreated whiplash.
The reason I bring this up is because of my recent experience with the doctor. All he was basing the information on is a letter that he received from work. In that letter it indicated that my performance at work had been suffering... and I had numerous physical complaints. Well let's see... the fibromyalgia has been untreated for 4 years, but according to him that's just a symptom of an underlying psychatric disorder. Oh and I was potentially a threat to myself since I had an X-acto knife at work and gave it to someone so I wouldn't be tempted to use it.
Those three facts led him to the conclusion that I must be suffering from depression and needed psychiatric help. No one so far has listened to the fact that a lot of this stems from not sleeping very well. People that know me would say there is a mild depression and I would agree with them. But I wouldn't go as far as clinical depression.
And as far as the knife goes... I've never kept the cutting a secret. I've been pretty open that it is a maladaptive way of coping and one I try not to use. I haven't used self-injury since April and while I still battle with it I am not going back to it. Admitting I am tempted by it and removing myself of the temptation is not a cry for help. For as much as the doctor may have linked it to suicide I am much more likely to die of alcohol poisoning then I am with a knife.
As I said before I went to the doctor. He told me the fibromyalgia is a symptom of an underlying psychiatric disorder and referred me to the emergency assessment team for an evaluation (or basically to get the diagnosis of depression). You know it's not going to go that well when the first question is "How long have you been depressed for?" So they put me on Zoloft and yesterday I felt like I had the flu... everything hurt and I couldn't stand for more then 5 minutes. I called Telehealth and after reading the warning on the medication recommended I contact the doctor... so it was back to the ER I go. After 3 hours all the doctor would tell me is that this was normal for this type of drug. I've been on Paxil and Prozac and neither of them had the same side effects. I didn't end up feeling anxious and depressed on either of them. I also didn't wind up feeling like I had the flu. I've lost 5 pounds in the last day and a half... for most that wouldn't be a big deal... but for me that is 5% of my body weight. So I left the ER with nothing being resolved. All they recommended was that I lower the dose. I took nothing last night and have a little more energy today. It's tough though to come back from that kind of loss in body weight. I still don't have much energy as a result. I can barely eat because of the lack of energy. My roommate came home on lunch and told me I am now exhibiting the signs of clinical depression... something about me staring out the window at the trees for an hour.
At least I still have Azrael to keep me company. He's enjoying all of the attention from me being home. For now I think I'm going to go see if I can stand long enough to have a shower. Fortunately there's a handrail in the bathroom. Then maybe I'll go watch the trees some more...
The reason I bring this up is because of my recent experience with the doctor. All he was basing the information on is a letter that he received from work. In that letter it indicated that my performance at work had been suffering... and I had numerous physical complaints. Well let's see... the fibromyalgia has been untreated for 4 years, but according to him that's just a symptom of an underlying psychatric disorder. Oh and I was potentially a threat to myself since I had an X-acto knife at work and gave it to someone so I wouldn't be tempted to use it.
Those three facts led him to the conclusion that I must be suffering from depression and needed psychiatric help. No one so far has listened to the fact that a lot of this stems from not sleeping very well. People that know me would say there is a mild depression and I would agree with them. But I wouldn't go as far as clinical depression.
And as far as the knife goes... I've never kept the cutting a secret. I've been pretty open that it is a maladaptive way of coping and one I try not to use. I haven't used self-injury since April and while I still battle with it I am not going back to it. Admitting I am tempted by it and removing myself of the temptation is not a cry for help. For as much as the doctor may have linked it to suicide I am much more likely to die of alcohol poisoning then I am with a knife.
As I said before I went to the doctor. He told me the fibromyalgia is a symptom of an underlying psychiatric disorder and referred me to the emergency assessment team for an evaluation (or basically to get the diagnosis of depression). You know it's not going to go that well when the first question is "How long have you been depressed for?" So they put me on Zoloft and yesterday I felt like I had the flu... everything hurt and I couldn't stand for more then 5 minutes. I called Telehealth and after reading the warning on the medication recommended I contact the doctor... so it was back to the ER I go. After 3 hours all the doctor would tell me is that this was normal for this type of drug. I've been on Paxil and Prozac and neither of them had the same side effects. I didn't end up feeling anxious and depressed on either of them. I also didn't wind up feeling like I had the flu. I've lost 5 pounds in the last day and a half... for most that wouldn't be a big deal... but for me that is 5% of my body weight. So I left the ER with nothing being resolved. All they recommended was that I lower the dose. I took nothing last night and have a little more energy today. It's tough though to come back from that kind of loss in body weight. I still don't have much energy as a result. I can barely eat because of the lack of energy. My roommate came home on lunch and told me I am now exhibiting the signs of clinical depression... something about me staring out the window at the trees for an hour.
At least I still have Azrael to keep me company. He's enjoying all of the attention from me being home. For now I think I'm going to go see if I can stand long enough to have a shower. Fortunately there's a handrail in the bathroom. Then maybe I'll go watch the trees some more...
Medicated
So after the fun of yesterday I thought I might actually get some sleep last night. It was a nice thought. Couldn't fall asleep and then woke up repeatedly and this time when I woke up I couldn't fall asleep again. When I did wake up today I felt like I had the flu... Absolutely no energy and even more fatigued then I was before. I went right back to bed. After spending most of the day in bed the fibromyalgia had also flared up so now I also feel like I got run over by a Mac truck. I thought medication was supposed to make me feel better, not worse. Now I feel more depressed since I am really not functioning and can't even stand for more then 5 minutes. I'm losing weight... and feel increased anxiety over work and life in general. Now I know that medications tend to take time to get used to.. but c'mon... This can't be a good thing. So right now I am debating going back to the ER to see what the doctor has to say. Not that I really want to go back... but I also don't want to go through this longer then I need to.
So Much for that Drink
Now that I am home again so much for that drink... 2.5 hours from the time I left my apartment until the time I returned home. Not bad for the ER I suppose. I didn't think it was a good sign when they were asking if my insurance company paid for semi-private or private rooms... I didn't think this was a sleep over. Fortunately, they didn't consider me a risk to myself so I was allowed to return home with a prescription for Zoloft and a diagnosis of depression. Oh yeah and I have to return to see the psychiatrist again at the beginning of February. No alcohol for me any time soon.
The whole experience has me wondering if I will even have a job to return to which is certainly not helping the stress levels any. *Sigh* Time to try and force myself to eat and then try and relax. Good luck to me on that one.
The whole experience has me wondering if I will even have a job to return to which is certainly not helping the stress levels any. *Sigh* Time to try and force myself to eat and then try and relax. Good luck to me on that one.
Emergency Assessment
The fun day continues... now I am being told I have to go to the ER for an emergency pshycological assessment. Somehow that doesn't sound like a fun way to spend my day. Otherwise it would be 6-8 weeks before I can go see someone. So is the goal to appear crazy or sane? I'm not sure yet... I'll let you know what they say... or by then just might be ready for that drink.
Passing the Buck
So I had the doctor's appointment today. Talk about enlightening. He spent the entire time telling me I needed to go see a psychiatrist. I have no problem with therapy but I do have a problem with him telling me the fibro is "a symptom of an underlying psychiatric condition." I feel like the medical field has regressed and the reality of the condition is being ignored.
It gets better. Not only did he think I needed some serious anti-depressants and basically told me I have nothing in my life. If I wasn't depressed before I was after that statement. He also told me that I would be closely monitored at work. Like I need more paranoia. And he said that my performance at work wouldn't likely improve before I saw a shrink. No shit. I'm a walking zombie... not sleeping... no energy... and am losing the ability to process information. With no treatment of any kind of course that's not going to get better.
I'm not sure whether I should try and get some more sleep... or just pour myself a drink now. If I wasn't feeling low before the appointment I am now.
It gets better. Not only did he think I needed some serious anti-depressants and basically told me I have nothing in my life. If I wasn't depressed before I was after that statement. He also told me that I would be closely monitored at work. Like I need more paranoia. And he said that my performance at work wouldn't likely improve before I saw a shrink. No shit. I'm a walking zombie... not sleeping... no energy... and am losing the ability to process information. With no treatment of any kind of course that's not going to get better.
I'm not sure whether I should try and get some more sleep... or just pour myself a drink now. If I wasn't feeling low before the appointment I am now.
Doctor's Visit
So today I am off to see the chiropractor again. I'm in the middle of a fibro flare-up, probably related to stress so I am hoping she can help. She'll at least be able to put my back into place. And I'll likely get another lecture about pacing myself and eating properly.
Tomorrow morning it's time to see a doctor... aside from the ER doctors I haven't really had much contact with them in about 4 years. I'm a little apprehensive about it. On one hand it will be good to actually be treated, not that I want back on medications... but that's another story. People keep telling me to watch out too... after all the doctor is being supplied by the company and has their interests at heart. What's with the paranoia? If they wanted to fire me they could've... Would've saved them money too instead of paying for me to see a doctor. But now I can't help but be a little apprehensive going into it... and a little defensive. I hate admitting that I can't handle everything and that I'm not doing as well as I'd like to think. Denial, anyone? But by this time tomorrow at least I might have some answers... and some direction towards getting better.
Tomorrow morning it's time to see a doctor... aside from the ER doctors I haven't really had much contact with them in about 4 years. I'm a little apprehensive about it. On one hand it will be good to actually be treated, not that I want back on medications... but that's another story. People keep telling me to watch out too... after all the doctor is being supplied by the company and has their interests at heart. What's with the paranoia? If they wanted to fire me they could've... Would've saved them money too instead of paying for me to see a doctor. But now I can't help but be a little apprehensive going into it... and a little defensive. I hate admitting that I can't handle everything and that I'm not doing as well as I'd like to think. Denial, anyone? But by this time tomorrow at least I might have some answers... and some direction towards getting better.
