So tomorrow I am off to Pickering. Enlisting a new family physician, a little far from home. But you gotta do what you gotta do. You could say work has forced me to do something good. They have forced me to get treatment for the fatigue and to look into possible underlying causes. I had also used not having a doctor as an excuse not to get treatment. The fatigue has gone on long enough. It's affecting all aspects of life. Plus the doctor can access my medical records from Cobourg and from London so they are consolidated and I can prove that I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Also, the doctor can refer me to a specialist if he believes it is important for my treatment. Lastly, he has the power to clear me to return to work... or if he is looking into treatment for the fatigue an estimated time frame as to when I will be well enough to return to work. So this is a good thing.
If nothing else it also gets me out of the city, something I haven't done in quite a while. I think the last time I left Peterborough was back in the summer. It's about time for a change of scenery. Going to go shopping for computer parts while I am out. The new video system needs a digital sound card. Okay so it is just so I can play it through my Logitech speakers. What can I say... I love my speakers.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
Paranoia
Adding a stats checker to my blog might have been a bad idea. Steve has really been trying to make me paranoid over who is checking my sites and why. He seems to believe there is a conspiracy at work and they are checking up on me and trying to find out what I am saying. Even had me looking up IP addresses to see if there was any truth to it. That's bit overboard. Yes I took off all the posts from my main page about the LOA so that certain people didn't have access to it. But I don't feel I have anything to hide. They didn't tell me to keep it a secret. The web site is there primarily so my family and friends can find out exactly what is going on... saves me from calling them with the latest updates. It's not like I was badmouthing the company on that site. My frustration has largely been from the medical community and not with work. I may not agree with the LOA but the real frustration comes from the first doctor I saw and then it's continued from there. Steve is definitely not helping me relax during my time off which is what I need to do. Rest and relaxation... that's what I need most at the moment.
Withdrawal Symptoms
I'm thinking that taking the Benzodiazapines for 5 straight days wasn't the best idea. I just wanted to get some rest. I still felt groggy in the morning which could be from the long standing sleep deprivation. It could also be the effects of the medication... or even a cumulative effects since I kept taking it. The first night I didn't take it I wasn't tired at all and then when I forced myself to go to bed at 5:00 a.m. I couldn't sleep. I was awake off and on all night and didn't want to get out of bed. The second night was much of the same. What will the third night bring... only time will tell.
Call from HR
I got a phone call today from work in response to an email I had sent. I need a medical certificate in order to claim EI during my time off. It was an interesting call for a number of reasons. It's amazing what you pick up on in the words someone chooses to use.
I got to find out the good Dr. Caskey is on vacation until February 13th. He becomes more and more useful each time I hear his name. Work basically gave me three options. I can wait for him to come back but that's going to be a while. I can try to get someone else to fill out the medical certificate. That is a challenge as well since I don't have a family doctor and have been seen by the ER and the walk-in clinic. The last alternative is getting someone to clear me to go back to work. And so far the doctors have been reluctant to do so.
They also told me that they had made the decision to keep me off work until the follow-up visit. Looks like the blame doesn't just fall on Dr. Caskey any more... work took his recommendations and decided to keep me off work. So the blame for that falls on the occupational health and safety nurse, HR, Dr. Caskey and more then likely my team leader.
I also got to find out that the only people that should know the reason for the LOA are the members of HR, my team leader, my team manager and the site director. I can gurantee that more people know.... since Stan inadvertantly made a comment to Steve before he even said anything. He has also indicated that all of management knows, including the team leaders.
I know that more people know about it. Reportedly some of the agents on my team had asked Chris about my blog and according to HR that might be where the information came from. There are a total of 5 people from work that know about the blog. One of them I actually forgot had the address or I might have monitored what I said. Val woudn't say anything. Chris can't say anything. Steve has never even been to the site and he knows my opinion any ways since he is my roommate. Dawn knew about it from the start. That leaves Baker... who, while he might ask Chris, wouldn't start rumours.
Rumours aside that wouldn't explain why a TL is asking Steve about me in the smoking area. None of my agents would have a reason to go to her about it and sure there will always be rumours. That doesn't mean I like having people talk about me. Since they seem to think some of the information comes from my blog I have deleted all of the posts related to it and reposted them here. No one from work has this address or will have it.
I got to find out the good Dr. Caskey is on vacation until February 13th. He becomes more and more useful each time I hear his name. Work basically gave me three options. I can wait for him to come back but that's going to be a while. I can try to get someone else to fill out the medical certificate. That is a challenge as well since I don't have a family doctor and have been seen by the ER and the walk-in clinic. The last alternative is getting someone to clear me to go back to work. And so far the doctors have been reluctant to do so.
They also told me that they had made the decision to keep me off work until the follow-up visit. Looks like the blame doesn't just fall on Dr. Caskey any more... work took his recommendations and decided to keep me off work. So the blame for that falls on the occupational health and safety nurse, HR, Dr. Caskey and more then likely my team leader.
I also got to find out that the only people that should know the reason for the LOA are the members of HR, my team leader, my team manager and the site director. I can gurantee that more people know.... since Stan inadvertantly made a comment to Steve before he even said anything. He has also indicated that all of management knows, including the team leaders.
I know that more people know about it. Reportedly some of the agents on my team had asked Chris about my blog and according to HR that might be where the information came from. There are a total of 5 people from work that know about the blog. One of them I actually forgot had the address or I might have monitored what I said. Val woudn't say anything. Chris can't say anything. Steve has never even been to the site and he knows my opinion any ways since he is my roommate. Dawn knew about it from the start. That leaves Baker... who, while he might ask Chris, wouldn't start rumours.
Rumours aside that wouldn't explain why a TL is asking Steve about me in the smoking area. None of my agents would have a reason to go to her about it and sure there will always be rumours. That doesn't mean I like having people talk about me. Since they seem to think some of the information comes from my blog I have deleted all of the posts related to it and reposted them here. No one from work has this address or will have it.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Back to the ER
I'm starting to think the ER is becoming my second home. Work finally told me that I would not be allowed to return to work until the follow-up visit with the psychiatrist. That is assuming that he clears me to go back. I was concerned that since I had gone off the medication he might hold me back from returning. Plus no one was telling me when that appointment even was. So back to the ER I went. It wasn't how I wanted to spend my day but I didn't want to take any chances.
From the start I've said that all I needed was sleep. I took some Lorazapam that I had left over from an old prescription. Slept like a baby. I was finally alert and had more energy. The good news is that the finally listened. By the end of my 4 hours at the ER I had a prescription for a Benzodiazepine (think Valium if you're not familiar with the drug category). They may not help you fall asleep but they do knock you out. Sleep... glorious sleep. I am a little surprised that they didn't go with Ambien, Lunesta, or one of the other newer drug classes since they supposedly less likely to be habit forming.
The weird part though is that I went from being on an anti-depressant to a depressant. So now the only thing being treated is the lack of sleep. But they will not allow me to return to work. Maybe that's because each time I see the psychiatrist for under 5 minutes. This time around he did ask a few more questions. He didn't just write the prescription and then leave again. But he said he wasn't in a position to clear me for work. WTF? When I was forced to take time off work it was because they were concerned I might be a threat to myself or someone else. No one since then has indicated I am a potential threat. It all seems to surround my performance at work and whether or not that would improve.
Here's the problem... my appointment with the psychiatrist isn't until February 22. Azrael loves havingme home so I do get to spend plenty of time with him. And he does well for therapy. It also means that I can do some work with Chaord Studios... like more DVD projects... and some web site design. So there are some benefits. The biggest downside is the financial side of things. The first two weeks I am off I don't get paid for and work didn't even pay me my sick days. Then I need a medical certificate so that I can get EI for the remainder. I don't even have contact info for the doctor I saw. Even then I'll only make 55% of my wages.... so in total it's going to cost me about $2000 to be off work. And it takes 6-8 weeks for the money to get here. Needless to say that's going to leave me short. For now I am okay... but that's only going to last for so long. To think, I was actually planning on buying this laptop. I was about halfway there. Now, on the other hand, I'll be struggling to make sure all the bills are paid. *Sigh*
Well on the bright side it means that I still have 5 sick days to use and my vacation days... so plenty of time off this year. And I am doing okay, relativey speaking. I just wish they would allow me to go back to work. Or at least that I'd have money... Even better a vacation to a warm, tropical island. Now that would be therapy.
From the start I've said that all I needed was sleep. I took some Lorazapam that I had left over from an old prescription. Slept like a baby. I was finally alert and had more energy. The good news is that the finally listened. By the end of my 4 hours at the ER I had a prescription for a Benzodiazepine (think Valium if you're not familiar with the drug category). They may not help you fall asleep but they do knock you out. Sleep... glorious sleep. I am a little surprised that they didn't go with Ambien, Lunesta, or one of the other newer drug classes since they supposedly less likely to be habit forming.
The weird part though is that I went from being on an anti-depressant to a depressant. So now the only thing being treated is the lack of sleep. But they will not allow me to return to work. Maybe that's because each time I see the psychiatrist for under 5 minutes. This time around he did ask a few more questions. He didn't just write the prescription and then leave again. But he said he wasn't in a position to clear me for work. WTF? When I was forced to take time off work it was because they were concerned I might be a threat to myself or someone else. No one since then has indicated I am a potential threat. It all seems to surround my performance at work and whether or not that would improve.
Here's the problem... my appointment with the psychiatrist isn't until February 22. Azrael loves havingme home so I do get to spend plenty of time with him. And he does well for therapy. It also means that I can do some work with Chaord Studios... like more DVD projects... and some web site design. So there are some benefits. The biggest downside is the financial side of things. The first two weeks I am off I don't get paid for and work didn't even pay me my sick days. Then I need a medical certificate so that I can get EI for the remainder. I don't even have contact info for the doctor I saw. Even then I'll only make 55% of my wages.... so in total it's going to cost me about $2000 to be off work. And it takes 6-8 weeks for the money to get here. Needless to say that's going to leave me short. For now I am okay... but that's only going to last for so long. To think, I was actually planning on buying this laptop. I was about halfway there. Now, on the other hand, I'll be struggling to make sure all the bills are paid. *Sigh*
Well on the bright side it means that I still have 5 sick days to use and my vacation days... so plenty of time off this year. And I am doing okay, relativey speaking. I just wish they would allow me to go back to work. Or at least that I'd have money... Even better a vacation to a warm, tropical island. Now that would be therapy.
Financial Woes
Good thing my incentive was really good last month... Looks like I am really going to need the money. I was not paid at all for my first week off, not even my sick days. So now I have to fight with EI for 60% of my wages for the entire time I am off. The good news is that it means I still have my sick days to use but it really sucks for money since I am going to be off for an extended period of time. At the moment it looks like I'll be off work until the follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist. That won't be until the beginning of February... assuming that the appointment was made. I never heard back about it. Maybe I should wander back down to the ER for another appointment and get the medication changed while I'm at it. Zoloft isn't used to help you sleep... so I am still battling exhaustion even though I do get to sleep in every day. Is this nightmare ever going to end?
Added Stress
All I want to do is try and relax and make the best of my time off. It's hard because I want to be at work but I am also trying to see it as a mini-vacation and just relax. Every time Steve comes home he adds in his 2 cents and just adds stress to my world, something I really don't need.
The first issue is finances. Right now I don't know where I stand. I am assuming that I will need to apply for short term disability and it will take 6-8 weeks to receive the money. Steve keeps pressuring me to pick up the forms. I am trying to stay away from work so that I don't have to answer any questions and make it worse for other people. I also want to know when I'll be returning to work before I take any action. I don't want to add stress over the finances. Right now I do have money and while I realize that I need to look into it I want to hold off until I know what my status is at work. Plus Steve keeps reminding me how broke he is which adds stress to me since there are still a lot of unknowns.
The other issue is the doctor not contacting work to clear me. He wants me to press the situation by contacting the disability worker for Minacs and the doctor. Since he has not cleared me to go back I don't want to make things worse for myself. I know that Margaret has been in contact with the office and has been trying to get word from the doctor so for the most part it is just a waiting game. But Steve wants to try and get the doctor's information from work, which is the worst thing he can do. I don't need more heat at work and give them more ammunition to fire me. Steve is becoming too vocal and it's going to come back on me. It's bad enough that he wants to drop off all the information on Fibromyalgia and self-injury to his home office and he wants to make a scene in the process. He doesn't seem to grasp the concept of "Think before you act." Is it going to benefit me to start fighting with the doctor and with work to allow me to return? In my mind it would just make me look worse. It's not my job to step in and fight with both sides. It's just going to lead to more frustration. When they clear me to return to work I'll be back.
Just let me enjoy my time off and make the most of it. I don't need any added stress. It's supposed to be about relaxing and getting better so that I can do my job when I return. The more stress I am under in the meantime the more difficult that is going to be. Not to say I am fragile and can't deal with anything... but I don't need any unecessary stress. For now, time to watch some TV and just rest... mindless entertainment.
The first issue is finances. Right now I don't know where I stand. I am assuming that I will need to apply for short term disability and it will take 6-8 weeks to receive the money. Steve keeps pressuring me to pick up the forms. I am trying to stay away from work so that I don't have to answer any questions and make it worse for other people. I also want to know when I'll be returning to work before I take any action. I don't want to add stress over the finances. Right now I do have money and while I realize that I need to look into it I want to hold off until I know what my status is at work. Plus Steve keeps reminding me how broke he is which adds stress to me since there are still a lot of unknowns.
The other issue is the doctor not contacting work to clear me. He wants me to press the situation by contacting the disability worker for Minacs and the doctor. Since he has not cleared me to go back I don't want to make things worse for myself. I know that Margaret has been in contact with the office and has been trying to get word from the doctor so for the most part it is just a waiting game. But Steve wants to try and get the doctor's information from work, which is the worst thing he can do. I don't need more heat at work and give them more ammunition to fire me. Steve is becoming too vocal and it's going to come back on me. It's bad enough that he wants to drop off all the information on Fibromyalgia and self-injury to his home office and he wants to make a scene in the process. He doesn't seem to grasp the concept of "Think before you act." Is it going to benefit me to start fighting with the doctor and with work to allow me to return? In my mind it would just make me look worse. It's not my job to step in and fight with both sides. It's just going to lead to more frustration. When they clear me to return to work I'll be back.
Just let me enjoy my time off and make the most of it. I don't need any added stress. It's supposed to be about relaxing and getting better so that I can do my job when I return. The more stress I am under in the meantime the more difficult that is going to be. Not to say I am fragile and can't deal with anything... but I don't need any unecessary stress. For now, time to watch some TV and just rest... mindless entertainment.
Frustration and a Lack of Answers
Frustration is beginning to set in. I'm still off work and am not sure just how long that is going to last. But I also learned I am in the wrong town if I want the Fibromyalgia to be treated properly. I was speaking with a doctor today who told me that no rheumatologist in town will treat it. If I want something done I'd have to go to Toronto for it... and even then I need a doctor's referral... something I don't have since I don't have a family doctor. For the first time in a long time I am wishing I was back in London where they have good treatment programs for it. So, if and when I do return to work I'll still be facing the same battle... fighting an invisible disease that people do not take seriously. The doctor I was speaking with did send me to a neurologist for a sleep study to look at the insomnia and see what can be done about that. So that was some good news. But overall just more frustration.
Fighting Back
Three days after my rapid loss I am still fighting back. I'm definitely eating more but still not as much asI should be. Still really low on energy. But I am on the comeback trail. My health is now out of jeopardy so that's the important thing.
Still no word as to when I will be returning to work. The doctor has not been in contact with the disability worker. I'm not sure what the hold-up there is. Looks like I'll be relaxing for at least a couple more days. I'm also going to try and see the chiropractor during that time.
Still no word as to when I will be returning to work. The doctor has not been in contact with the disability worker. I'm not sure what the hold-up there is. Looks like I'll be relaxing for at least a couple more days. I'm also going to try and see the chiropractor during that time.
Know Your Patient
I was watching a special the other day on chronic pain and one of the first things the doctor said was that it is important to know your patient. He gave an example of a woman that had been suffering from migraines for years. She was doing relief work in Africa and got to know a doctor there. He asked her all kinds of questions about her past, like where she grew up. Eventually it came to light that she had been in a car accident and the migraines were caused by untreated whiplash.
The reason I bring this up is because of my recent experience with the doctor. All he was basing the information on is a letter that he received from work. In that letter it indicated that my performance at work had been suffering... and I had numerous physical complaints. Well let's see... the fibromyalgia has been untreated for 4 years, but according to him that's just a symptom of an underlying psychatric disorder. Oh and I was potentially a threat to myself since I had an X-acto knife at work and gave it to someone so I wouldn't be tempted to use it.
Those three facts led him to the conclusion that I must be suffering from depression and needed psychiatric help. No one so far has listened to the fact that a lot of this stems from not sleeping very well. People that know me would say there is a mild depression and I would agree with them. But I wouldn't go as far as clinical depression.
And as far as the knife goes... I've never kept the cutting a secret. I've been pretty open that it is a maladaptive way of coping and one I try not to use. I haven't used self-injury since April and while I still battle with it I am not going back to it. Admitting I am tempted by it and removing myself of the temptation is not a cry for help. For as much as the doctor may have linked it to suicide I am much more likely to die of alcohol poisoning then I am with a knife.
As I said before I went to the doctor. He told me the fibromyalgia is a symptom of an underlying psychiatric disorder and referred me to the emergency assessment team for an evaluation (or basically to get the diagnosis of depression). You know it's not going to go that well when the first question is "How long have you been depressed for?" So they put me on Zoloft and yesterday I felt like I had the flu... everything hurt and I couldn't stand for more then 5 minutes. I called Telehealth and after reading the warning on the medication recommended I contact the doctor... so it was back to the ER I go. After 3 hours all the doctor would tell me is that this was normal for this type of drug. I've been on Paxil and Prozac and neither of them had the same side effects. I didn't end up feeling anxious and depressed on either of them. I also didn't wind up feeling like I had the flu. I've lost 5 pounds in the last day and a half... for most that wouldn't be a big deal... but for me that is 5% of my body weight. So I left the ER with nothing being resolved. All they recommended was that I lower the dose. I took nothing last night and have a little more energy today. It's tough though to come back from that kind of loss in body weight. I still don't have much energy as a result. I can barely eat because of the lack of energy. My roommate came home on lunch and told me I am now exhibiting the signs of clinical depression... something about me staring out the window at the trees for an hour.
At least I still have Azrael to keep me company. He's enjoying all of the attention from me being home. For now I think I'm going to go see if I can stand long enough to have a shower. Fortunately there's a handrail in the bathroom. Then maybe I'll go watch the trees some more...
The reason I bring this up is because of my recent experience with the doctor. All he was basing the information on is a letter that he received from work. In that letter it indicated that my performance at work had been suffering... and I had numerous physical complaints. Well let's see... the fibromyalgia has been untreated for 4 years, but according to him that's just a symptom of an underlying psychatric disorder. Oh and I was potentially a threat to myself since I had an X-acto knife at work and gave it to someone so I wouldn't be tempted to use it.
Those three facts led him to the conclusion that I must be suffering from depression and needed psychiatric help. No one so far has listened to the fact that a lot of this stems from not sleeping very well. People that know me would say there is a mild depression and I would agree with them. But I wouldn't go as far as clinical depression.
And as far as the knife goes... I've never kept the cutting a secret. I've been pretty open that it is a maladaptive way of coping and one I try not to use. I haven't used self-injury since April and while I still battle with it I am not going back to it. Admitting I am tempted by it and removing myself of the temptation is not a cry for help. For as much as the doctor may have linked it to suicide I am much more likely to die of alcohol poisoning then I am with a knife.
As I said before I went to the doctor. He told me the fibromyalgia is a symptom of an underlying psychiatric disorder and referred me to the emergency assessment team for an evaluation (or basically to get the diagnosis of depression). You know it's not going to go that well when the first question is "How long have you been depressed for?" So they put me on Zoloft and yesterday I felt like I had the flu... everything hurt and I couldn't stand for more then 5 minutes. I called Telehealth and after reading the warning on the medication recommended I contact the doctor... so it was back to the ER I go. After 3 hours all the doctor would tell me is that this was normal for this type of drug. I've been on Paxil and Prozac and neither of them had the same side effects. I didn't end up feeling anxious and depressed on either of them. I also didn't wind up feeling like I had the flu. I've lost 5 pounds in the last day and a half... for most that wouldn't be a big deal... but for me that is 5% of my body weight. So I left the ER with nothing being resolved. All they recommended was that I lower the dose. I took nothing last night and have a little more energy today. It's tough though to come back from that kind of loss in body weight. I still don't have much energy as a result. I can barely eat because of the lack of energy. My roommate came home on lunch and told me I am now exhibiting the signs of clinical depression... something about me staring out the window at the trees for an hour.
At least I still have Azrael to keep me company. He's enjoying all of the attention from me being home. For now I think I'm going to go see if I can stand long enough to have a shower. Fortunately there's a handrail in the bathroom. Then maybe I'll go watch the trees some more...
Medicated
So after the fun of yesterday I thought I might actually get some sleep last night. It was a nice thought. Couldn't fall asleep and then woke up repeatedly and this time when I woke up I couldn't fall asleep again. When I did wake up today I felt like I had the flu... Absolutely no energy and even more fatigued then I was before. I went right back to bed. After spending most of the day in bed the fibromyalgia had also flared up so now I also feel like I got run over by a Mac truck. I thought medication was supposed to make me feel better, not worse. Now I feel more depressed since I am really not functioning and can't even stand for more then 5 minutes. I'm losing weight... and feel increased anxiety over work and life in general. Now I know that medications tend to take time to get used to.. but c'mon... This can't be a good thing. So right now I am debating going back to the ER to see what the doctor has to say. Not that I really want to go back... but I also don't want to go through this longer then I need to.
So Much for that Drink
Now that I am home again so much for that drink... 2.5 hours from the time I left my apartment until the time I returned home. Not bad for the ER I suppose. I didn't think it was a good sign when they were asking if my insurance company paid for semi-private or private rooms... I didn't think this was a sleep over. Fortunately, they didn't consider me a risk to myself so I was allowed to return home with a prescription for Zoloft and a diagnosis of depression. Oh yeah and I have to return to see the psychiatrist again at the beginning of February. No alcohol for me any time soon.
The whole experience has me wondering if I will even have a job to return to which is certainly not helping the stress levels any. *Sigh* Time to try and force myself to eat and then try and relax. Good luck to me on that one.
The whole experience has me wondering if I will even have a job to return to which is certainly not helping the stress levels any. *Sigh* Time to try and force myself to eat and then try and relax. Good luck to me on that one.
Emergency Assessment
The fun day continues... now I am being told I have to go to the ER for an emergency pshycological assessment. Somehow that doesn't sound like a fun way to spend my day. Otherwise it would be 6-8 weeks before I can go see someone. So is the goal to appear crazy or sane? I'm not sure yet... I'll let you know what they say... or by then just might be ready for that drink.
Passing the Buck
So I had the doctor's appointment today. Talk about enlightening. He spent the entire time telling me I needed to go see a psychiatrist. I have no problem with therapy but I do have a problem with him telling me the fibro is "a symptom of an underlying psychiatric condition." I feel like the medical field has regressed and the reality of the condition is being ignored.
It gets better. Not only did he think I needed some serious anti-depressants and basically told me I have nothing in my life. If I wasn't depressed before I was after that statement. He also told me that I would be closely monitored at work. Like I need more paranoia. And he said that my performance at work wouldn't likely improve before I saw a shrink. No shit. I'm a walking zombie... not sleeping... no energy... and am losing the ability to process information. With no treatment of any kind of course that's not going to get better.
I'm not sure whether I should try and get some more sleep... or just pour myself a drink now. If I wasn't feeling low before the appointment I am now.
It gets better. Not only did he think I needed some serious anti-depressants and basically told me I have nothing in my life. If I wasn't depressed before I was after that statement. He also told me that I would be closely monitored at work. Like I need more paranoia. And he said that my performance at work wouldn't likely improve before I saw a shrink. No shit. I'm a walking zombie... not sleeping... no energy... and am losing the ability to process information. With no treatment of any kind of course that's not going to get better.
I'm not sure whether I should try and get some more sleep... or just pour myself a drink now. If I wasn't feeling low before the appointment I am now.
Doctor's Visit
So today I am off to see the chiropractor again. I'm in the middle of a fibro flare-up, probably related to stress so I am hoping she can help. She'll at least be able to put my back into place. And I'll likely get another lecture about pacing myself and eating properly.
Tomorrow morning it's time to see a doctor... aside from the ER doctors I haven't really had much contact with them in about 4 years. I'm a little apprehensive about it. On one hand it will be good to actually be treated, not that I want back on medications... but that's another story. People keep telling me to watch out too... after all the doctor is being supplied by the company and has their interests at heart. What's with the paranoia? If they wanted to fire me they could've... Would've saved them money too instead of paying for me to see a doctor. But now I can't help but be a little apprehensive going into it... and a little defensive. I hate admitting that I can't handle everything and that I'm not doing as well as I'd like to think. Denial, anyone? But by this time tomorrow at least I might have some answers... and some direction towards getting better.
Tomorrow morning it's time to see a doctor... aside from the ER doctors I haven't really had much contact with them in about 4 years. I'm a little apprehensive about it. On one hand it will be good to actually be treated, not that I want back on medications... but that's another story. People keep telling me to watch out too... after all the doctor is being supplied by the company and has their interests at heart. What's with the paranoia? If they wanted to fire me they could've... Would've saved them money too instead of paying for me to see a doctor. But now I can't help but be a little apprehensive going into it... and a little defensive. I hate admitting that I can't handle everything and that I'm not doing as well as I'd like to think. Denial, anyone? But by this time tomorrow at least I might have some answers... and some direction towards getting better.
